I’m a gadget junkie. I always have been and I always will be. When I received my first iPod a few years ago (rest your soul, my poor darling – I’m still wracked with guilt over that bucket of soapy water), I immediately began looking up podcasts to listen to on my commutes to and from work and on my daily walks around the neighborhood. I found a few “craft of writing” shows, but most of them were either dry and boring or got annoying quickly. One in particular (which shall remain nameless), which I’d been listening to damn near religiously for quite some time, featured a guest host one week who was so obnoxious and whose beliefs on the proper way to write novels were so opposite my own that I had to unsubscribe the moment I got back to my house. American Writers, another podcast I was quite fond of, quit producing episodes a while back, though the archives are still valuable and I do return to them from time to time.

I never ceased looking for a podcast to sate my jones, and in mid-2009 I stumbled across a show that caught hold of me and refused to let me go. The Funky Werepig is a laugh-a-minute free-for-all, half demented Larry King Live and half twisted roundtable discussion. If you’re a writer (or even just a fan of horror fiction) and want something that will make you laugh until you choke while introducing you to new talent and new markets, you can stop looking. This is it. This is pretty much the Holy Grail of Funny-as-Hell Horror Podcasting.

A few weeks ago I contacted the one and only Greg Hall over on Facebook and asked him if he’d like to sit in the interviewee seat for once. Luckily, he obliged. The following is a conversation about horror, comedy and whether or not you should bother getting dressed.

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First off, pants or no pants?

If it’s something important like church or hitting a drive-thru, then yes. I wear pants. Otherwise, you can’t beat the freedom and downright friendliness of no pants. I think the world would be a better place if everyone felt that way. Imagine how much work would be accomplished if Congress had a no pants rule. I can certainly attest to the fact that they move you along quicker at the DMV.

You’ve stated on your show several times that you started out in standup comedy. How did you get into that, and how did you make the transition to horror?

I’ve always been an assclown. A great dude named Paul Kopelke thought I was amusing when I was a teenager and opened the doors to standup for me. Then I developed into more of an improv comic, which really kicked ass.

After 25 years, I got burned out and lost my mojo. All the butterflies were gone. I couldn’t ‘hear’ the laughter anymore so there was no fuel. The only part I looked forward to was the ride home. So I retired and my wife suggested I give horror a try. I always loved it and she sold me on the fact that getting published could be my new mountain to climb. As usual, she was right.

You know comedy and horror are very close cousins. Both force the audience into an involuntary response. Laughing and screaming are as pure a human reaction as you’re going to get. So the transition is not as hard as people sometimes expect.

What’s this I heard about an old comedy headshot of yours becoming a book cover? Is this true?

Oh hell. Yeah, there’s a wicked rumor out there but I’m trying to ignore it. As a joke during a live Werepig show, I gave out old headshots, each autographed ‘You are my very best friend.’ Two disturbed gentlemen, Andersen Prunty and Nate Lambert, grabbed one and immediately asked if they could use it as a cover for a book they wanted to torture me with. It’s called Greg Hall, about a former standup who disappeared and has now become a cult figure. It involves demons and Amway and Lord knows what else. Andersen and Nate like to bring it up every so often to give me ulcers.

What did you do before Choate Road (in terms of fiction writing), and how did you decide to build a website?

I wrote plays and comedy skits forever. Built a decent name I guess, won some awards and paid some bills. When I switched to horror I wanted to contribute but not as a publisher. God love them but I don’t have that kind of patience or drive. My goal was to create a place to get away from rejection notices and specifically sized fonts and politics. I wanted a horror playground where we’d be creative but never too serious. It’s turned out okay. I get e-mails from new fans and from bigger name writers. I like that we have that kind of reputation where everyone can hang out and be Amish.

What prompted the idea for the Funky Werepig podcast, and how did the current crew assemble?

It was the next logical step for Choate Road. I thought a weekly show would be a riot. The fan base came over from Choate and from there it just grew. Jezzy of course is a major part of the site so I forced her to show up. Other regulars like Zombie Zak, Scott McCoy and most of the people in the Party Pen are the same folks who make Choate so much fun.

Speaking of other Choate members, do you really think Zombie Zak is a zombie? They don’t actually eat cookies, from what I understand. I think he’s faking it.

He’s one of my favorite dudes. Smart marketer and great networker. Knows everyone. I love the whole zombie persona he’s created. I knew we needed him on Choate. Nice guy too. So I was definitely shocked when I finally got to meet him at a convention and we grabbed lunch together. He ran out in the parking lot and tackled this lady and just started chomping. I was actually hoping for a pizza.

Over the past year and change, you’ve have a metric ton of awesome guests (Doctor Pus, The Dunwoody, DL Snell, Peter Straub, just to name a few). Who haven’t you had on the show yet that you’d die to interview?

It’s funny. A lot of the big names we get I thought I wouldn’t approach until Year Two. Joe Lansdale changed all that. You don’t get bigger or cooler than Lansdale. I couldn’t eat for weeks before that interview. But after we saw how much that night rocked, the flood gates opened. I loved our shows with Brian Keene and Tom Monteleone. Robert McCammon was beyond awesome. And we’ve gotten to take the live interview virginity of a lot of great new talent too.

Everything has accelerated past our original targets so now we’re looking to open the doors to creative writers and talents outside fiction novels. I’d love to interview Guillermo Del Toro or Steve Niles. I’m huge fans of theirs.

Speaking of guests, Kelli Dunlap told everyone your winkee made her cry. What’s up with that, Greg?

A lot of people think it refers to my spoof on paranormal romance, Dracula’s Winkee. It made her laugh so hard she cried. Well, people can believe that if they want. But the smarter bet would be she finally caught me outside her bathroom window.

Last semester I listened to TFW while running on the elliptical during my evening gym class. I managed one night to bust out laughing and nearly fall off the machine in front of the most attractive guy on campus. Thanks for making me look like a loser. I appreciate that. How do you guys manage to turn a normally macabre subject into something so hilarious? What’s wrong with you people?

Let me share with you this e-mail I just received: “Dear Werepig, I was working out last semester and this girl near me broke out laughing while running on an elliptical. Man, she was so hot! I really hope she asks me out sometime. I think I love her. Signed, The Most Attractive Guy on Campus.”

We do what we can, Jessica. We do what we can.

What the hell is “moon the woo pie”? Am I spelling that correctly?

It’s part of our no pants policy. Could there possibly be anything naughtier than mooning a woo pie?

Why do you keep forcing Jezzy to make those space lazer noises? By the way, her graveyard photos are really cool.

It’s a simple call-in show and we have zero budget for sound effects. So it’s been up to Jezzy to fill that void live. She has mastered the ray gun, the coffee slurp and the cougar growl. She also did a jumping jack (singular) but lost her phone connection. And once during a show, she forgot she put her ferrets in the fridge until we heard her husband scream like a ninny girl in the background. Jezz is a pro.

Are you guys this funny in real life, or do you save it all for the show? I can’t imagine being able to turn that off and on at will.

I get people laughing at me all the time. But I’m reminded it may have to do with my no pants policy again.

Tell us about your upcoming projects and the Choate book Knock Knock… Who’s There? DEATH!

KNOCK KNOCK is a fun-book we created for the fans. It has all of the favorites we run on Choate plus some twisted short stories from our writers. We wanted something cheap during this rough time and we got KNOCK KNOCK in at about $6 on Amazon. I think Rio Youers gave us the best compliment when he said we were horror’s best bathroom reader.

For me personally, other than working on Dracula’s Winkee: The Novella, I have a novel coming out May 1 through Belfire Press. It’s a dark thriller as opposed to comedy called At the End of Church Street. It’s about a family of homeless Goth kids who think they’re vampires. But unfortunately the only person who believes they’re real is an insane vampire killer. So there’s beheadings and blood and sex and drugs and fangs everywhere. It’s definitely not your father’s Nosferatu.

Any upcoming shows a newbie to TFW should be looking out for in particular?

The thing about the Werepig is we really have no idea how each and every show will turn out. There’s no script, no A to B format, so who knows what can happen in 90 minutes? Our guests truly enjoy the ride because it’s so different from the normal Q&A interviews they’re used to. I highly suggest tuning into some of the past shows we have in podcast at www.blogtalkradio.com/The-Funky-Werepig.

The huge names we talked about earlier are classic and for new writers a gold mine of great info. But you can’t skip shows like Michael Knost, where the poor guy was speaking from his heart about the writers that inspire him… only to be interrupted by a caller peeing loudly into a toilet, caught live on air by accident. Caller couldn’t hold it any longer and didn’t know we clicked him in.

You can’t script beauty like that.

Thanks for your time, Greg.

I’m not just B.S.’ing when I say, Jessica, that you light up my life. You give me hope to carry on. You brighten my day and fill my nights with song. And it’s not like they’re song lyrics or anything. I made them up right this instant and I mean each and every word.